Remember the date…

Photo: My mum and dad very very many years ago..

I have just spent a lovely weekend celebrating a school friends 40th Birthday party, catching up with my old school friends complete with our neon accessories and leg warmers for her 80’s themed night. She is the first in my school year to celebrate and there are many more to follow, mine will be in April next year…  judging by this weekends party I need to start planning as I have much to live up to. As yet I don’t feel a mid-life crisis coming, no need it seems life crisis’ find me whether I like it or not, so no need to buy the red sports car just yet, or embark on a new exciting relationship? Oops correction have already started this one!

Last week October 4th was the anniversary of our school friend who sadly lost his battle to cancer 2 years ago, so a bottle of prossecco was opened at saturday’s party in his memory and we all danced to 2 of his favourite songs on the dance floor, an emotional anniversary for us to remember and time to reflect on our own lives.

October also starts with my wedding anniversary which this year was strange as obviously it is not a date I wish to celebrate but nether less it is still a date that is remembered so does it still count as being called an anniversary? Some people and times we wish to remember and others we prefer to forget, when it comes to my marriage recent unhappy years I choose to forget but I look back at my wedding day fondly and remember that sense of optimism and excitement that I had starting out on married life. We both had every intention of growing old together and having one of those 60th wedding anniversary parties that older couples have, unfortunately we became a lot of  ‘worse’ and eventually no ‘better’ so it became time for us both to move on.

“Some lives leave a mark, others leave a stain…” Charles Saatchi

It seems we all have events in our lives that every year we choose to remember in our own way, an anniversary is very much about remembering if not necessarily celebrating, there are many dates in the year that we remember some are happy ones and some not so much. Tomorrow is October the 13th this was the day that 9 years ago I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, good as its 9 years but current complications make me feel uneasy about celebrating that fact, I reserve my judgement for the moment.

One particular anniversary is like a dark cloud forming around mid October time that often comes up behind me before I realise the time is when my mum was diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer and had only a few months to live. I’m not the only one to have dates in my life that test our ability to deal with the emotions they bring, however it seems I am also not alone in this year forgetting this anniversary and it almost passing me by without my recognition. This is the first time in 17 years this has happened and I feel guilty just like the husband who forgot his wedding anniversary, I have been distracted with the better things happening in my life but I am sure my mum would forgive me just the once. It seems as time passes the bad things are remembered less and overtaken by the good and happy memories, less the date she died and more the date she was born.

The Fallen Limb, by Poet Unknown:

A limb has fallen from the family tree.
I keep hearing a voice that says, “Grieve not for me.
Remember the best times, the laughter, the song.
The good life I lived while I was strong.
Continue my heritage, I’m counting on you.
Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through...

So fondly remember those important dates as people come and go in our lives, celebrating the good memories and raising a toast to the sad ones. Spend time creating new fun memories with those around us, our years will be full of anniversaries, as time goes on even more will be added. Decisions need to made.. a party?, a holiday?, afternoon tea? spa break? expensive dinner?. I really should start saving for my 40th birthday…

Love Always

Angela xx

Always choose love….

“ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten your happiness….” Gerald Rogers. I have spent too much time and energy in the last few years focusing on the negatives and how to try and fix them, I am now realising the best way to do this is to focus on the positive and the more positive things will step forward in your life. At the beginning of this year I let go of my marriage I cannot fix and I don’t feel bad about it, you can try to fix a bad situation but there comes a point you have to accept it is not possible.

Its amazing how when you split from a long relationship you realise how many people around you have done the same, people you saw in the street now have a story to tell, advice to pass on, its no longer an issue at school,  my daughter is one of many children whose parents have separated. Being able to talk to those who are further down the line than you offers invaluable advice to help you negotiate the tricky process of ‘co-parenting’. The process is not easy you split up for a reason so it doesn’t mean suddenly life will be a bed of roses apart, communication can prove complicated. However now it is limited to a ‘need to know’ basis making it simpler at least, still currently working out this area of my life but in time let’s see what happens.

Part of embracing the positives is not to dwell on the past, look forward after the end of a marriage life is now what you make it and nobody can stop you. You are responsible for your future, as scary as that is the opportunity is now out there to create the life you want, that independent, confident, happy, positive and caring girl is now finding her way back into the world. I now laugh a little harder, my smile is a lot brighter and I find myself smiling for no reason. Its another experience in life that you can learn from and gain strength that it will develop your character and make you a stronger person.

There is someone out there who will make you feel special and think you are amazing just the way you are! The heart is full of hope and that’s the way it should always be…

Here are a few quotes from a beautiful article by Gerald Rogers somethings we should never forget…

Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. Be that man that would OWN HER HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for her. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman

Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid..

Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

Love from me xxx

Sunshine always follows the rain..

Your life can only head down the wrong path for so long, until events take over and life corrects itself, something puts you back on course and leads you in a new direction. This is uncomfortable to start with, then gradually as you embrace the change, and discover the spark you used to have, life begins to take on real meaning and you realise that those around you who walk the journey with you are there because they love and care about you and you realise how important they are to you.

You remember who you are, what is important to you, being yourself again feels amazing, suddenly you are smiling more, finding things funnier, food is tastier. You start to look around you and realise what you have and how lucky you are, you let go of the negative parts of your life, it is no longer important to focus on what is missing, what you should have, what it should of been. This empowerment impacts every aspect of your life and at times can be a little overwhelming, I fully appreciate that somedays I may look a little stupid walking down the road smiling.

It’s not selfish to make your life the best it can be because that’s when you are truly allowed to shine. For me that mean’t letting go and moving on from a marriage that was making myself, my daughter and my ex husband very unhappy. It doesn’t make either of us bad people, we are very different people to when we met, we both made our mistakes but if we had to change so much to fix it that’s not fair and impossible. Life has now moved on we are creating new plans and it is proving to be an exciting adventure and journey of discovery.

I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from today but I intend to have fun finding out… watch this space… I would not be where I am today had it not been for all the amazing people around me right now thank you very much xxxx

Chasing the Rainbow

At the beginning of every Year I get a feel of the direction the year will be going… This year it is a sense of change, of soul searching and a search for inner peace.

I have been fighting for 8 years now, first the breast cancer surgery then the chemotherapy, radiotherapy, hormone therapy, more surgery, seizure, coma, more medication, panic attacks, anxiety and so on…. I am now feeling battle weary and am ready for a break. As dramatic as it all sounds it is what it is. Unfair but it all happens as it is supposed to, you accept it and patiently wait while you hopefully head towards recovery putting your well being in the hands of others. You don’t know the outcome and as such do not assume everything will be ok.

I have throughout assumed that my marriage would be ok I expected ups and downs and hard times  but in the past year the cancer battle has been overtaken by the realisation that we are not ok. My husband walked out 3 weeks before christmas his parting words to our daughter were “mummy and daddy are not get on”. I am writing this blog the night before I have agreed to go to a counselling session at which after a month of maybe/maybe not thoughts and experiences I have no idea which way tomorrow will go.

Is cancer to blame? Are we both battle weary? Why are we not closer after everything we have been through? Have we both been so busy keeping life going over the last eight years that for whatever reason, illness, money, time or tiredness we have taken our eyes off the prize and as such our foundations have collapsed.

Are we at the point of no return I cannot answer this for my husband. I know I have no fight left in me anymore and am not prepared to just exist together. We both agree on one thing we want to be happy, appreciated and loved, is this together? I may find out tomorrow or time will tell. For now my priority is my daughter and our health and well being.

One positive from this is finding out how many people have your best interest at heart. It is true you find out who your friends are in a crisis, true, honest, strong friendships are a blessing and should be treasured with all the love you can muster.

‘Life has a lot of grey and sadness – look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it’ Charlotte Kitley